Fixing My Eyes

My week started off kinda rough. We had applied for an adoption loan (to cover our agency's fees that are due soon) and we got the call on Monday that we had been denied. I just started to cry. Then, this adoption that had been going along so nicely, began to crumble before my eyes. All of a sudden the financial burden was too much - Jay began telling me that perhaps we shouldn't go through with it. He reminded me that we have a roof that will need replacing, an air conditioner that won't last many more summers, not to mention the debt that we are already in. He mentioned that he had been discouraged by someone close to us - someone who doesn't think we are being wise in our decision to adopt again right now. All of a sudden, adopting again didn't make much sense. I mean, we are working our tails off to try and save some money, but there is no way we can do all of it on our own. I even started thinking "Hey, it might just be easier if we don't do it." But, my heart was breaking even at the thought. This baby is already mine somehow. This is how I "carry" my children. In my heart...until I can bring them home. I know this is God's plan for our lives...but, I allowed myself to stay in that funk all day. Tossed and turned all night as well.
Tuesday morning I called my mom. She was on the golf course and couldn't talk, but just KNEW something was wrong with me. I gave her the short version of the events from the day before. Her response: "Nikki, go get your Bible, get a word from the Lord and hang on to it...I'll call you in awhile." So, being the obedient daughter that I am (haha)...that's exactly what I did. I sat down with my bible and thought "where on earth do I begin?" So, I just said a little prayer and randomly opened it up. And, wouldn't you know it? I turned to a very familiar place (it's all underlined in my bible): Isaiah 54:1 "Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy..." it goes on to say things like "enlarge the place of your tent...for you will spread out to the right and to the left...Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace, you will not be humiliated." I just sat back and let the tears fall. This time they were tears of joy - tears of gratitude for a Savior who loves me enough to meet me where I am. One who really means "When you seek me, you will find me, when you search for me with all of your heart."
Awhile later my mom called me back and told me that she and my dad would be loaning us the money - she quoted my dad as saying "You tell Nikki there is no way she is losing this baby." So, there were more tears. Not only does my Heavenly Father love me in a way that rocks my world, but He has blessed me with parents here on earth who REALLY GET IT. Now, Jay called a few minutes later to tell me that he had come up with almost half of the fees, so we don't have to borrow the entire amount from my parents. Woo-hoo!
What a difference a day makes. Actually, what a difference a perspective makes. I was like Peter walking on the water...everything was smooth sailing as long as he was lookin' at Jesus. As soon as he started to look at the storm around him, he began to sink. I took my eyes off Jesus, and immediately began to sink!
That night I got in my car to go to work and my CD kicked in full blast (Jay had just put a bunch of his CD's in my changer that he thought I might like...he does this quite often.) Anyhow, the song was blaring "Fix your eyes upon Jesus, look full on His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."

So, here I am, a barren woman singing of God's goodness, his glory, and His grace. I'm fixing my eyes upon Jesus and letting the things of earth (financial burdens, negative comments, doubt, etc) grow strangely dim.

Won't you sing with me?
(Gwen, I KNOW you're singing with me! Thank you SO much for being there for me this week. Your friendship is a priceless treasure from the Lord.)