Monday, January 12, 2009

Moving on...

Today is the due date of our "would've been" birthmom. (It's also my dad's birthday, so selfishly I hope the baby waits until tomorrow to be born.) I heard from the grandma today that they are, indeed, still waiting. I'm waiting too. This feels like the last chapter in this story. I am waiting to hear that the baby was born, everything went well, and that the adoptive parents have the beautiful bundle in their arms and are ready to start their lives together. Then I feel that I can move on completely...2009 is full of endless possibilities for me and my family. I have learned a lot through this "failed" adoption attempt. First, I've learned that it doesn't make me a failure. I've learned that it is NOT my job to figure out exactly what God is doing in my life. It's not for me to always know the end of the story. I just need to wake up each morning ready to seek God's face and be obedient to whatever He has for me THAT DAY. So, that is what I'm trying to do. We are "back to the drawing board" in the Domestic Adoption program, but I have learned so much through this process so far. I am not the same person I was a few months ago...and that's always a good thing.
So, now I am gathering photos to make a "profile book" for my social worker, to circulate to potential birthmoms. (I've posted a few of them). And, I am working on a "Dear Birthmother" letter...NOT easy. AT ALL. So, that is where we are today. January 12th, 2009. We're moving on....one day at a time.



This blog will soon be returning to silly stories, quotes, and pictures of Lily Lin! hallelujah!


40 comments:

Linette said...

Oh Nikki..I teared up reading this. You have taught me so much during all of this. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I continue to pray for you and know God has great things for all of you this year! :)

Isabella's Mommy and Daddy said...

Love the photo's and the first birth mom to see this family will jump..
You are Amazing and Lily and Jay are Amazing..
I am sooo glad to have met you and we will meet in person one day.
You have changed me as a person and Lily has also..
I am always here for you girly..
I wish things would have turned out differently but God must have something bigger planned for you..
Love ya girly..
HUGS..
Can't wait to see Lily's cute little video's and pretty little face..

Meredith Teagarden said...

Oh Nikki,

I love the photos of you guys. What a moving post. Sending you a big hug!

amy said...

Thanks for your honesty. YOu are thought of

Rachel said...

First, what great pictures. I think a birthmom would fall in love with you at first sight!

Second, I am so impressed with your positive attitude. You really are amazing and I hope we can meet someday since we are now so close!

Rachel

Anne Marie said...

Nikki, all you need to do is point potential birthmothers to a few of your blog entries :) They will see all the love, fun, faith and gratitude pouring forth from every word and smile. Not to mention how joyful and beautiful you look in every one of these photographs.

Here's to 2009. No matter what happens, it is your year!

Anne Marie said...

oops..that was under my other email account, but you know it's me :)

LaLa said...

Oh sweetie...such a tough day for sure. I love all the pics of you guys. Any child would be blessed to be a part of your family as you would certainly be blessed as well.

I know 2009 has many great things in store for you!!!

Jewels of My Heart said...

Oh, Nikki,I am so sorry for your loss.... I can only imagine how heartbreaking it has been. I am thankful that the baby and the birth family has had such a precious, loving family praying for them.... His ways are not our ways... but I do know Jesus has a plan for this precious little baby and for your famiily... He is faithful and one day you will hold YOUR child in your arms...
God's Speed...
You are in my heart and my prayers.
Love you,
Daleea

holly m. said...

Nikki,
You are a precious young woman with so much love to give. Rest in the truth that God knows exactly His plans for you and your sweet family. It's amazing how He refines us... and painful, too. Sometimes it takes many years to grow to where you are in your walk with God. Thanks for your honesty and trust of us with your most private thoughts.
I'm praying, Nikki.

Beautiful family photos!!!:)

redmaryjanes said...

Big Honey. I have been going through something quite similar. You are right, next year holds wonderful things for our families :)

Juliette said...

Hugs to you.

kris said...

One step and one moment at a time, that is the way. And it's okay that it doesn't happen all at once, or today, or tomorrow or the next. Grief takes it's own course, be patient with yourself and with it- embrace where you are- that's part of letting go. We're right here with you. I'm here with you. And I'm a firm believer, that just as they grumbled and yelled at God in the desert, and demanded answers, that it's okay to give God ALL that's in your heart- He can handle it. Yelling is a form of prayer in my book. He'll see you through that part too :O) He is your Father after all. Love you lots.

Tiffany said...

What a beautiful family the 3 of you are!!!!

These pictures say a thousand words and show such love and happiness!!!!

The Byrd's Nest said...

I know this been so hard Nikki....I am thankful you see some growth from it all. Praying for you.

What a beautiful family.

mommy24treasures said...

I know with your beautiful heart God is going to do such wonderful things. His eyes go to and fro in all the earth to show Himself strong for those whose heart is perfect torwards Him.
Love
C

PIPO said...

Hugs. Your grace is truly inspiring.

As Emerson says: 'What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us'

Jen said...

You write what is on your heart so beautifully. We continue to hope and pray along with you...God is good!

kerri said...

Thank you for opening your heart through such an intimate time, your faith,your beautiful spirit has once again shown me how special you are.

Miss Scarlett said...

You know I'm praying for you!!

Jonni said...

I am sorry today has been so bittersweet. I love that your attitude is so positive about the endless possibilities though. Your photos are beautiful and I have a feeling your wait will not be long. Best of luck and 2009 is going to be awesome!

Hugs,
Jonni

Rhea Anne said...

Nikki.. I don't know if I ever told you that we first started with domestic adoption and made our scrap book of our family. I did a birthmother letter. Very hard... I have mine still saved if you want to look at it and I can shoot it to you by e-mail. Praying for you and your journey ahead. :)

Janet said...

This was a good post, and I continue to pray for you. It must be a hard day for you. **HUGS**

Sea Star said...

Nikki, I know first hand that it is never easy to move on without someone you thought would be in your life forever, but I also know that it is growth beyond measure.

My love and prayers for you during your move forward phase and nothing but best wishes for a new beginning! Love your beautiful family photos.

Kristi said...

Nikki, your post displays your unfading beauty in your gentle, and quiet spirit and I can see your heart and God at work. Faith in action is always an encouragement to me and others watching. Thank you for sharing your life with us. Hugs and more prayers.

Steffie B. said...

There is no doubt in my mind that God has big plans for you....you are remarkable.....love you tons!

Hugs....
S*

Lily's Pad said...

Your stregnth is inspiring. There is no doubt that there is something wonderful in store for you and your family.

The pictures are wonderful...

Mary

Paula said...

Oh, Nikki, I'm sorry I've been absent through all of this. I KNOW what your feeling. We had a birthmom change her mind before we adopted Hannah. It is very common for that too happen, but I know that when it happens to you its no fun. I know that God has a special child for you. His timing will be perfect. Just pray and pray some more. He hears you.
Love you friend

Mr.Brian said...

You're an amazingly strong women.

God has great plans.

day by day said...

You go, Nikki!! I am so proud of you...you are truly an inspiration!!!

The family pics are just beautiful!!

btw....my Dad's birthday is the same day as your dad's. : )

love,
Michelle

Beth and Shayna said...

It is good to move on to the next step in life, and it seems like you are stronger and more than ready!

Perrin said...

Oh Nikki I'm so far behind on reading blogs and I'm hearstsick about the domestic adoption. I'm so very sorry. I can't even imagine this pain. Sending you a huge cyber hug. I hope 2009 brings very good luck your way.

Steffie B. said...

Missing you sweet girl....

kerri said...

Gong Xi Fa Cai Lily.
Have a wonderful celebration...
Hugs.

Mommy Spice said...

I pray you have peace and joy today. I know it must be difficult, but you know who the author is for your life, and He knows the plans he has for you. I see your faith shining brightly. Hugs to you!!

holly m. said...

I miss you guys, Nikki...:(

The Byrd's Nest said...

I just wanted you to know Nikki that you remain in my prayers. Hope you are well my friend.

Steffie B. said...

Well?????????????????? ;)

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