Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Fixing My Eyes

My week started off kinda rough. We had applied for an adoption loan (to cover our agency's fees that are due soon) and we got the call on Monday that we had been denied. I just started to cry. Then, this adoption that had been going along so nicely, began to crumble before my eyes. All of a sudden the financial burden was too much - Jay began telling me that perhaps we shouldn't go through with it. He reminded me that we have a roof that will need replacing, an air conditioner that won't last many more summers, not to mention the debt that we are already in. He mentioned that he had been discouraged by someone close to us - someone who doesn't think we are being wise in our decision to adopt again right now. All of a sudden, adopting again didn't make much sense. I mean, we are working our tails off to try and save some money, but there is no way we can do all of it on our own. I even started thinking "Hey, it might just be easier if we don't do it." But, my heart was breaking even at the thought. This baby is already mine somehow. This is how I "carry" my children. In my heart...until I can bring them home. I know this is God's plan for our lives...but, I allowed myself to stay in that funk all day. Tossed and turned all night as well.
Tuesday morning I called my mom. She was on the golf course and couldn't talk, but just KNEW something was wrong with me. I gave her the short version of the events from the day before. Her response: "Nikki, go get your Bible, get a word from the Lord and hang on to it...I'll call you in awhile." So, being the obedient daughter that I am (haha)...that's exactly what I did. I sat down with my bible and thought "where on earth do I begin?" So, I just said a little prayer and randomly opened it up. And, wouldn't you know it? I turned to a very familiar place (it's all underlined in my bible): Isaiah 54:1 "Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy..." it goes on to say things like "enlarge the place of your tent...for you will spread out to the right and to the left...Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace, you will not be humiliated." I just sat back and let the tears fall. This time they were tears of joy - tears of gratitude for a Savior who loves me enough to meet me where I am. One who really means "When you seek me, you will find me, when you search for me with all of your heart."
Awhile later my mom called me back and told me that she and my dad would be loaning us the money - she quoted my dad as saying "You tell Nikki there is no way she is losing this baby." So, there were more tears. Not only does my Heavenly Father love me in a way that rocks my world, but He has blessed me with parents here on earth who REALLY GET IT. Now, Jay called a few minutes later to tell me that he had come up with almost half of the fees, so we don't have to borrow the entire amount from my parents. Woo-hoo!
What a difference a day makes. Actually, what a difference a perspective makes. I was like Peter walking on the water...everything was smooth sailing as long as he was lookin' at Jesus. As soon as he started to look at the storm around him, he began to sink. I took my eyes off Jesus, and immediately began to sink!
That night I got in my car to go to work and my CD kicked in full blast (Jay had just put a bunch of his CD's in my changer that he thought I might like...he does this quite often.) Anyhow, the song was blaring "Fix your eyes upon Jesus, look full on His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."

So, here I am, a barren woman singing of God's goodness, his glory, and His grace. I'm fixing my eyes upon Jesus and letting the things of earth (financial burdens, negative comments, doubt, etc) grow strangely dim.

Won't you sing with me?
(Gwen, I KNOW you're singing with me! Thank you SO much for being there for me this week. Your friendship is a priceless treasure from the Lord.)

38 comments:

GWEN OATSVALL said...

girlfriend ... how we are connected ... check my post today ... WE ARE NOT ALONE ... the Oatsvall's will be walking w/ you every step of the way ... we will be praying, crying, rejoicing and bringing this baby home ... i love you more than words ... i am always here just a phone call or text away !!!! I AM ONE OF YOUR BIGGEST CHEERLEADERS AND JAY'S TO !!!

amy liz said...

lady, i'm singing with you all the way!

gosh, it's been months since i've been on here - i feel like i've missed so much. :(

I am thrilled for you and this baby!!!! I need to talk to you. When can you and lily come over?

Michelle said...

Oh, Nikki....I am singing with you, my friend!!! I have tears in my eyes and singing. You have truly been Blessed with such amazing parents! How wonderful that the message you read when you were upset helped you to see God's path for your family.

I am truly happy for you!!!!

verna said...

Count me in on that choir. I'm a cryin' here. Your dad's response was priceless. He truly does get it. I just want to hug him too AND you too. CYBER HUGS!!

Isabella's Mommy and Daddy said...

You know I am with you girly..
I will sing, pray, cry and laugh with you.. you know you can call me anytime you want..
Love you girly ...You,Jay,Lily and new little one are in my hearts FOREVER..
I am sooo glad things all worked out.. but I knew they would...
HUGS..

Janet said...

Oh dear me! I am tearing up over here! What a BEAUTIFUL post! Oh, I loved it! It was so amazing in so many ways! The love of your parents, the love of you towards your precious little one, and especially the love of God!

Thanks for that! I'll go to sleep tonight with THAT post in my head. You have truly encouraged me!

Much Ado said...

I can just hear the singing getting louder with each comment. I am singing here with you at the top of my voice over here in Spain!!!

This post gave me the goosebumps from beginning to end! God's grace and goodness never ceases to amaze me! :)

Pixel Fairy Princess said...

Nikki -
Beautiful and inspiring story. God know what we need and all we have to do is ask. I am just so thrilled that this is going to work out :D

Ladybug hugs,
:D

twokayaks said...

What a week you have had. I am so sorry that you were so frightened at one point, but happy to hear that you have found your way.
Adoption is difficult enough without money issues getting in the way, so I am happy that you are figuring things out in that department.
Thinking about you!

Steffie B. said...

Girl.....we are all here for you....it will happen....I have no doubt that your child is waiting for you in Korea....love you tons....I'm always here....sorry I have not been much help lately...however....I think we have finally found some answers to my health issues....now if we can only figure out Emmie's.

Stay strong my friend....

Panda-Mom said...

Thank you. Thank you for posting this. You and I are in THE very same boat only mine is trying to find its way to Haiti instead of Korea. I started crying from the beginning of your words, because I really do feel your pain as I type. It is SO hard believing, but has God ever failed us yet? No....and He never will. Know that you have a barren sister praying with you all the way until (and past!) the moment YOUR baby is in your arms. Love and hugs...

3D said...

I am so happy that your heart is lighter and things are working out for you.

Keep smilin!

Jen M said...

That verse has been such a comfort to me in my journey. I'm so glad God used it to remind you how full your tents are going to be! I have no idea what you're going through but I certainly know the heartache of waiting. Praise God in all things, right?

LaLa said...

Oh girl..what a beautiful post. I am so happy you found your way and what a wonderful family of support you have. Just keep your eyes on Him and He will show you the way.

Crying tears of joy (literally) with you friend.

Carrie said...

My heart sank when I read your post but I am so proud of you that turned your heart back to the Lord and let him take your fear away! DO not let Satan steal your joy through this process. And hang onto His truths sister!!

Sending you lots of hugs and love........:) Your parents are awesome!!

Denise C said...

Nikki....I am singing too!!! Bless your heart! I had no idea any of this was going on....even though you and I had emailed this morning. I have not been on blogs until now...OH sweet friend....I will be really praying now....now that I know how to pray!
OH what sweet parents you have...they really do "GET IT"! What a blessing they are!
I think we need to get "This choir" you have formed here together...!!! Count me in!
Love you tons and tons my sweet friend!

Beth and Shayna said...

What great news! Things always line up as they should.

Gee Gee said...

What sweet, understanding and supportive parents you've been blessed with Nikki!! Things will all work out for the best...Promise!!!

mommy24treasures said...

oh Nikki
Praise God! What wonderful parents...
You know we would not have let you give up this dream!

Linette said...

Oh Nikki...crying tears of joy. I'm singing with you, my friend. I've been there too. We almost decided not to adopt again as well. Things just weren't falling into place (especially financially) and then God provided our loans and grants. He made it very clear this was His plan. God will meet our every need if we just fix our eyes on Him. :) Thank you for such a beautiful post. Some baby girl/boy in Korea is going to be SO blessed to be a part of your loving family!

Paula said...

Your Mom is awesome. She led you right to the Lord. Praise God that His word spoke exactly what you needed to hear. I'm so happy that you will be able to continue with your adoption plans.

holly m. said...

Oh Nikki!! This is such a precious post. Adoption is taking baby steps, a little at a time..don't think too far ahead or it'll make a sane person not so sane! :)

Thank you Lord for Nikki's obedience and the support of Jay and her precious parents.

Hugs to you, sweetie!

Daniella said...

Singing with you all the way!!!! This post made me cry. I can't wait to see you and your family bring your little one home.
xoxo

Ms. _______ 2 be ! said...

Glad that it all work out!

redmaryjanes said...

Oh Nikki, I read the first part of your post and just started crying. Right here at work, there is snot coming out of my nose and everything...
My soul was calling out NO, do not listen the world. Call out to God and He will tell you what to do.
And then I finished reading your post and I am so thankful. I am thankful that you love God and he loves you and that this is all going to work out.

Beverly said...

That is absolutely one of my favorite songs!! I am so sad that you were sad and so glad that your parents can step in!!

sarah said...

Wow! I totally 'felt' what you were saying! Nothing adjusts perspective so beautifully as these powerful 'real life' faith experiences. I'm so happy for you!

When I read the post title, I thought of the (old) song by Twila Paris 'Fix Your Eyes' (love all versions of this song).

Tiffany said...

Bless your dear parents..... that is so sweet and I was in tears over the scripture you shared.

Praying for you all during this journey!

Lady in Waiting said...

God is amazing, isn't He?!?!? I just LOVE it when He shows us again and again that He loves us and DOES care. He made us - so why are we surprisd when He KNOWS our needs and wants!!! I just LOVE this post and it's a great reminder for me too - what great parents - that care and understand too - I LOVE it!

3 Peanuts said...

Nikki,
I am so happy for you!!!!!!!!!
This is such a beautiful post. I cannot even tell you how it has and will touch others. I am so happy that you fixed your eyes back on the Lord where all things are possible. I am praying for you and Jay and Lily and her mei mei.

I REALLY needed to see this post. We are moving in a few weeks and we need to find school for the boys, a place to live, sell our house, complete KAte's re-adoption etc etc. I was really feeling strong last week and praying for God to help with each step of the way. Then I became very sick (physically) and I did not pray much or read the Bible(I was that sick). I began getting fearful that our move was a mistake and I stopped trusting the Lord. This morning I saw your post and I realized...I need to give it back to HIM. I need to get back in His word and let him guide us.


Thank you Nikki for sharing this with us. You are such an inspiration:)

Love,
Kim

P.S> I opened my blog again.

The Byrd Family said...

I sing that song every night to my girls when they go to sleep. Praising with you on your most wonderful news and can't wait to see the child God has chosen for you!

Anne Marie said...

Nikki! What an increadible story -- my tears are falling too! You know, the main part of the story is amazing (can I just say I love your mom -- not just 'cause she is lending you the money, but I loved her response when she couldn't talk -- she gave you support and love in just 10 seconds!) -- but I love the part about Jay putting CDs in your changer -- it says so much that he does things like that to stay connected to you.

Chris and Deb said...

What a great story Nikki...it is such an inspiration!

JulieM said...

What an amazing post. I'm so glad we have a Father we can turn to and trust that he has a perfect plan for our life!! I'm so thankful that God is providing for you and your family. I can only imagine what an amazing big sister Lily is going to be!

Jonni, John & Sofia said...

Oh honey, what a wonderful story and I am so sorry you had to go through the sadness to get to the joy, but what a wonderful hubby and parents you have. John and I went through the same thing with our 2nd adoption we are working on, but you know what, we really wanted another and I know that you guys were meant to have another as well. it's in your heart.

Love you,
Jonni

Jewels of My Heart said...

Oh, honey..... I am so sorry that I wasn't there for you to lift you up.... your words made me cry in sorrow for you and then in joy....
Stay the coarse dear friend... He is faithful!
God's Speed,
Love
Daleea

Jewels of My Heart said...

me again,
I just want to say hoooray to your parents.... your Dad's words brought tears to my eyes.... it is so refreshing to hear of family members who truly get it and are willing to help.
God Bless Them!

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